Never Letting Go
by 9thForever
Summary: "Is that all this is about?" Beth sat up. "To fix Beth so everything is back to normal for Alison Hendrix. So she doesn't have to worry? There's nothing hindering her perfect life? Do you even feel this, Ali?"
1. Chapter 1

Some memories are best to be forgotten, buried, stored places they'll never be found again. No matter how obtained, you want them gone. Beth found that solace easily, at the bottom of a whiskey bottle. Everyone could easily understand her reasoning, but not everyone could relate to the suffering she was troubled with. The innocent blood of Maggie Chen on her hands couldn't be washed away, although if Beth kept telling herself that Maggie wasn't as innocent as perceived that the kill was justified. Was it? Take a life to save many. The woman was aiding in killing off the clones, killing her was self defense. Beth was no better, she took someone's life in cold blood.

Before the night was over each moment of that day passed through her mind, along with each swallow of the poison she'd easily welcomed. It numbed the pain, helping distract her long enough to fall asleep to endure another day of hell.

On the outside she was just like everyone else, walking through life. Not a thing looked different from the next guy. That's how depression and traumatic stress work, slowly eating away at what you thought you knew. Twisting everything to weigh you down, pulling your mind and heart in all sorts of unnatural directions.

Only two weeks had passed since the incident, and hell had consumed her from the second her finger pulled the trigger. Each moment since then Beth contemplated the worse, to release herself from this hell. Just one action is all it would take, it wouldn't have an effect on anyone she knew either.

Paul hadn't been around much, not that he was desired. Every two seconds he would be on her back over something irrelevant until she pushed him away, increasing anger and anxieties. He was one of the reasons she would get high lately, to forget about all of the chaos he created, but she was more addicted to him than anything. He kept her grounded, unlike anyone else, even her partner Art didn't come close.

As long as the pain was well hidden, no one could see it, see the damage it had caused her, how self destructing it was.

For the first time since the shooting, Beth was willingly leaving the house on her own. And she was out of alcohol. Casually dressed, she headed to the nearest store, stocking up on enough to kill a liver. The door had barely shut as she carried the bottles in from her car, she heard it open and close. Without looking, Beth prepared herself for Paul's worst.

"Why the fuck are you here?" He was the last thing she needed.

"Beth, I needed to see that you were okay."

Shit. The voice wasn't Paul's, it was Alison's.

"I'm fine. You shouldn't be here, what if Paul comes back?"

"I don't care about Paul. I'm here for you. Cosima said you haven't been talking to her or anyone else since it happened, and we're concerned."

"I've talked to you."

"Just me?" Worry turned to flattery, it's amazing how quickly emotions can change.

"Yeah. Look, now's not a good time."

"Why?" Alison kept approaching her until having her cornered in the kitchen. Idly Beth kept opening the cupboards, trying to think of an answer. "Beth."

"Ali.." Every emotion that was running through her showed on her face, like an open book. Not knowing what else to do, Alison boldly backed Beth against the counter, giving her nowhere else to run. Lips pressed against Beth's forehead, followed by a voice.

"Don't cut me out of your life like this-"

"This is hard as hell on me.."

"-Beth, no. Stop pushing everyone that loves you away. It's just as hard on the rest of us." Grabbing her eyes, Beth tried to force the tears away. Alison pulled Beth's head to her shoulder, fingers winding through her hair comfortingly.

"We'll get through this, sweetie."

Beth was crying, but felt safe. For once, opening up didn't shame her. It wasn't embarrassing. "Paul and I keep fighting." She admitted quietly.

"Because of the PTSD?"

"I don't think it's that, even before the shooting we would argue and fight."

"Fight? Does he hit you?" Nodding, Beth kept her head buried into Alison's body. "How come you've never told me about this?"

"I didn't want you to worry about me. I'm a cop for Christs sake, I should be able to hold myself."

Sighing, Alison had to take a moment before commenting. She didn't want to upset a fragile Beth anymore than she already was.

"I wish I had known."

"Wouldn't have made a difference."

"Yes it would have, I could've been there for you." Alison lifted Beth's head until they faces each other, her hands stroking the sobbed on cheeks. "You're safe now, Paul's not going to ever lay a finger on you again."

Beth showed a weak smile, before sinking herself back into Alison's arms.

"You know I'm not into hugs."

"Could have fool me, Elizabeth."


	2. Chapter 2

"How did you even know I'd be home?"

Alison shrugged.

"I waited for Paul to leave, but then you left too, so I waited for you to come back. Does he always take that many bags with him?"

"No, he's gone away for the week, spending it with his friend Cody."

Alison had fed her, having taken away Beth's alcohol. She didn't need to drink, and Alison wasn't going to let her have one either. Forced into a shower, Alison cleaned the house while waiting. They settled for sitting on the couch playing video games. Beth's head found Ali's lap, only to have her hair stroked. The gaming became idle, with Beth not focused on it at all, and Alison having no idea how to play. The game was just a distraction from life, for her. Inside she could just feel Alison wanting to leave, to get away from her. Beth worried that if she moved her thoughts would become accurate.

Alison did want to move, but not for the reasons Beth had been thinking of. She couldn't take just delivering a gentle touch as comfort for Beth, wanting to give her more. Thankfully her phone rang, vibrating under Beth's head. She laughed quietly, only at the awkwardness, and Beth sat up.

"Sorry dear, it'll only take a minute."

"Don't worry, you should probably go if he wants you."

Determined to dismiss Donnie, Alison came up with some excuse about spending some time at a resort to clear her head. When the call ended, Beth stared at her.

"Are staying the night?"

"I'd be a fool not to. I'm staying with you to help you."

"I'm not an invalid."

"I know," moving closer, Alison cupped her cheek, "I didn't mean that kind of help. You need some emotional support."

"Sounds like bullshit to me.." Beth could've sworn her heart had started beating faster, that the world was standing still. A flutter erupted over her body, one she hadn't felt in ages.

"I know you like what I'm staying."

"I do."

"It would hurt me if I left you to hurt on your own." Beth's eyes watched each word pass through her lips, like it was the most captivating vision.

"You always make me feel whole again."

"Then let me help." She wasn't oblivious to the woman watching her lips. A glint of excitement shot to Alison's eyes. Before she could think or stop herself, Beth had leaned in and kissed her.

"Thank you, Ali." Beth whispered before kissing her again. If she backed away, Alison was going to leave, so she wanted this one, small moment to last. It gave her hope, if even for a second, and Beth wanted to keep that feeling.

Stunned, Alison sank much more easily into the kiss. A part of her had been expecting it, but that didn't kill the excitement, only amplified it. Shifting closer, Alison laid them down, seeking Beth's lips. Guilt was consuming Beth, but so was passion. The latter won the battle, as her lips latched onto eager lips. Each kiss growing longer, fading into the next.

Hours passed, hell, it could have been days. Beth lay with her head against Alison's chest, nearing sleep.

"Are you really staying?"

"What's that?" Alison was brought out from her thoughts. Hand wandering along the skin of Beth's arm, across her back and neck.

"Why would you drop everything to be with me?"

"Because love is sacrificial."

"You're married to Donnie." Beth hated hearing every word escape her throat.

"So? Beth... You're trying to push me away because I'm actually comforting you. This is working, and as one of your defenses you're trying to push me away."

"Is that all this is about?" Beth sat up. "To fix Beth so everything is back to normal for Alison Hendrix. So she doesn't have to worry? There's nothing hindering her perfect life? Do you even feel this, Ali?"

"Stop lying to yourself." Inevitably, Beth was crying. Alison advanced, not letting the resistance work. Tears being pushed away, Beth's cheeks being stroked gentle as ever. "I love you, Beth." All serious and raw, Alison couldn't have been more honest as she looked towards Beth's eyes, wishing she could see into her soul. Lips pressing against lips. "Will you come to bed with me?"

Pushing the hair from her face, Beth's tired, bloodshot eyes looked across Alison's, nodding. She was guided, and sat on the edge bed. Alison was fiddling with god knows what, probably her hair.

"Which side is yours? We've never slept in a bed together before, only that thing you call a couch." Something in Alison's tone always seemed to captivate her. The way she could proceed as if nothing devastating just happened, or was said. The good devastating. Beth had never heard the words which Alison expressed a million times to her since they had met, and finally she did. Beth could even feel her heart pounding in her chest again.

"Usually the left half."

"And what is there to sleep in?" She asked innocently, naive-ish. Even Beth blushed at that. "What?"

"Normally nothing. I mean, I could get you a shirt or something if you wanted."

Heat rose in her cheeks, a familiar oh sound slipping through her lips.

"Never mind then."

Beth didn't mind laying so exposed beside the other woman, the sheets had covered her skin. When the clothing was discarded the lights were off, so if Alison didn't want to see she easily could've turned away or closed her eyes. Alison on the other hand, not nearly as bold. She had escape the majority of her clothing, leaving just her shirt and underwear. At first they were completely still, quiet. A pin could fall and it would echo in the silence. Like magnets, their bodies had connected. Alison made sure not to touch any private areas, but Beth had grasped her arm, pressing it against her chest, holding it with her own.

"It's been months since I've been held like this." She aired quietly, keeping the arm as close as she could. Ali didn't mind, not at all. She loved every part of Beth, but didn't want to force any boundaries. Trouble pained her chest at the thought of Paul pushing away such a broken, but beautiful person.

"I'll never let you go." Moving closer, Alison pressed her chest against Beth's back, a leg dominantly latching between hers.

Just as she was about to fall asleep, Beth turned her head in the darkness, hoping Alison could hear her.

"I-I love you too." Smiling Alison kissed her hairline, going her an enduring squeeze.

"Get some rest, sweetheart." One more kiss and Beth finally felt safe, like she was free from the hauntings in her mind. Sure, they'd be back eventually, but right then she felt peace in the warm embrace of Ali.


End file.
